### The “Keyless” Future: A $400 Way to Get Locked Out of Your Own House

Congratulations to the tech elite. We’ve finally reached the pinnacle of human innovation: spending $400 on a motorized hunk of metal that requires a firmware update just to let you into your mudroom. I recently read a guide by someone who has apparently spent the last six years of their life installing thirty different smart locks. While the author claims these are “easy solutions” to “common problems,” I’m here to provide a much-needed reality check for anyone currently tempted to replace their reliable $20 deadbolt with a piece of hardware that has a shorter lifespan than a fruit fly.

#### 1. The Convenience Myth: Solving Problems That Don’t Exist
The article claims smart locks are a godsend for “latchkey kids” and people carrying groceries in the rain. Let’s be real: if your kid can’t keep track of a physical key, giving them a touchscreen that shows every greasy fingerprint of their five-digit code is just handing a “Welcome In” sign to any burglar with a basic understanding of smudge patterns.

And the “hands-full” auto-unlock? The author admits that on several high-end models, it’s “frustrating,” “unreliable,” or makes you “wait at the door for a second or two.” In the time it takes for your Bluetooth to handshake with your door, you could have put the groceries down, used a key, and already be halfway through a bag of chips. We’re not buying convenience; we’re buying the privilege of standing on our porches staring at a spinning loading icon while it rains cats and dogs.

#### 2. The Security Assumption: Digital Picking is Still Picking
The guide argues that smart locks are “as secure as a standard lock” because they are harder to physically pick. This is like saying a glass house is secure because the front door is made of titanium.

The author ignores the glaring vulnerability: the Wi-Fi bridge. Most of these locks—like the Yale Approach or the budget-friendly Wyze—rely on 2.4GHz Wi-Fi or Bluetooth modules that are about as secure as a screen door in a hurricane. You don’t need a lockpick to get into a “smart” home; you just need a deauth attack or a poorly secured cloud account. Plus, the “budget” pick has an ANSI Grade 3 rating. For those not in the hardware nerd circles, Grade 3 is the lowest residential grade possible. It’s essentially a suggestion that people stay out, rather than a physical barrier.

#### 3. The “Matter” Mess: Future-Proofing or Just Future-Frustrated?
The article spends a lot of time praising Matter-over-Thread. Here’s a fact: Matter was supposed to make everything “just work.” Instead, the Kwikset Halo Select forces you to choose between using the manufacturer’s app (and its best features) or using Matter.

Imagine buying a car where the steering wheel only works if you agree never to use the air conditioning. That’s the current state of smart home “interoperability.” The author calls it “future-proofing,” but in tech terms, “future-proofing” is just a polite way of saying “this product is currently unfinished, but please give us $260 anyway.”

#### 4. Biometric Absurdity: Waving Like a Jedi to Get to the Fridge
We’ve reached the “Palm Vein Recognition” and “Facial Recognition” era of door locks. The Lockly Visage ($350) and the Eufy FamiLock ($400) want to scan your face and your circulatory system just to let you in.

The author notes that for the facial recognition to work, you have to approach “face-on.” God forbid you’re carrying a large box or wearing a wide-brimmed hat; you’ll be treated like an intruder by your own hardware. And the palm scanning? You’re literally waving at your door like you’re trying to use the Force, only for the “protruding door frame” to blow out the camera’s night vision. If you have to troubleshoot your door’s “exposure settings” at 2 AM, the technology has failed you.

#### 5. The Maintenance Nightmare: A Door with a Battery Life
The most “insightful” part of the guide is the casual mention of battery life. Some of these locks last six months; some last “up to a year” (which we all know means four months in the winter).

The Yale Assure 2 Touch apparently gets four months of life if you use Wi-Fi. That means three times a year, you have to perform “maintenance” on your door. If your traditional deadbolt required you to feed it four AA batteries every quarter, you’d throw it in the trash. But because it has an app, we call it “innovation.”

#### 6. The Time-Traveling Journalist
A quick shout-out to the author’s “facts”: the article mentions testing locks introduced at **CES 2026**. Since we are currently living in a linear timeline where 2026 hasn’t happened yet, I can only assume these smart locks are so advanced they’ve achieved temporal displacement. Or, more likely, the logic behind these reviews is as glitchy as the auto-unlock features they praise.

**The Bottom Line:** If you have $400 burning a hole in your pocket and you’ve always wanted to know exactly what time the Amazon delivery driver looked at your porch, buy a smart lock. But if you want to actually get into your house every single time without checking a battery percentage or waiting for a Thread mesh to heal itself, maybe just stick to the piece of jagged metal in your pocket. It doesn’t need a firmware update to turn.