Oh, look, Google is doing that thing again where they repackage “we are reading your emails” as a revolutionary breakthrough in “Personal Intelligence.” According to the tech optimists, Gemini is currently “winning” and taking a “victory lap.” If “winning” is defined by being the first AI to confidently rewrite human history with the factual accuracy of a fever dream, then yes, Google is absolutely lapping the competition.

The claim that Gemini has “raced ahead of OpenAI” is a fascinating bit of gymnastics. While OpenAI is busy trying to figure out how to keep its voice assistants from sounding like Scarlett Johansson’s copyright lawyers, Google is busy integrating itself into your very soul. Let’s be clear: “Personal Intelligence” isn’t a new frontier; it’s just the natural evolution of Google’s original business model—which is to know more about you than you know about yourself, then sell that knowledge back to you in a prettier font.

The article mentions Gemini is “scarily good at creating convincing imagery.” “Scary” is certainly the operative word there. We all remember when Gemini’s image generation was so “inclusive” it accidentally erased entire demographics from historical contexts. It takes a special kind of “intelligence” to be so advanced that you transcend reality altogether. If you want a photo of a 17th-century chemist that looks like a modern-day corporate HR brochure, Gemini is indeed the undisputed heavyweight champion.

Then we have the “victory lap” of accessing your Gmail, Calendar, and Photos without specific prompts. Google calls this “Personal Intelligence.” Most people call it “the reason I’m moving my sensitive documents to a physical filing cabinet buried in the woods.” The assumption here is that we should be grateful our AI assistant can now chime in on our dinner plans by snooping through our search history. It’s “entirely opt-in,” they say, which is tech-speak for “we will nudge you with pop-ups until your spirit breaks and you click ‘Accept All’ just to make the notifications stop.”

And let’s talk about that Apple deal. Winning Apple’s business isn’t necessarily a testament to Gemini’s superiority; it’s a testament to Google’s massive server farms and the fact that Apple’s own AI strategy was, until recently, “Siri can sometimes set a timer.” Apple didn’t pick Gemini because it’s the pinnacle of human achievement; they picked it because Google is the only entity with enough compute power to handle the collective data-dump of a billion iPhone users without catching fire.

The article praises the “royal we,” but let’s be real: there’s nothing royal about data scraping. Calling it “Personal Intelligence” is like calling a private investigator “unsolicited biography services.” It’s the same old Google, just with a fresh coat of LLM-branded paint. They aren’t offering you a smarter assistant; they’re offering you a more efficient mirror. And given Google’s track record with privacy and factual hallucinations, that mirror is likely to be cracked, distorted, and showing you ads for things you mentioned in a “private” email three minutes ago.

So, congrats to Gemini on the “victory lap.” It’s easy to win the race when you’re the one who owns the track, the shoes, and the lungs of every spectator in the stadium. Just don’t be surprised when your “Personal Intelligence” starts telling you that your 2:00 PM root canal is actually a celebratory brunch in 1920s Paris. After all, it’s not a bug—it’s a feature.