If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to live inside the echo chamber of a minimalist desk setup, *The Verge’s* latest “Installer” newsletter has arrived to provide the definitive, “Verge-iest” answer. Apparently, the peak of human existence this week involves bailing on all adult responsibilities to watch the Olympics full-time and obsessing over task managers that look like timelines. Because why live your life when you can organize the vacuum of your existence into a sleek, aesthetic UI?

Let’s start with the central premise: the “best way” to watch the Olympics is apparently to “bail on everything.” While this sounds like a delightful fever dream for anyone who doesn’t have a mortgage or a job that requires more than three consecutive minutes of attention, the reality is a bit more grim. For the average viewer, the “best way” to watch the Olympics is actually through a chaotic labyrinth of Peacock subscriptions, 4:00 AM gold medal matches for sports you didn’t know existed (looking at you, Kayak Cross), and NBC’s relentless ability to cut to a commercial exactly three seconds before a world record is broken. Telling people to watch “full-time” isn’t a guide; it’s a cry for help or a subtle flex that your “work” consists entirely of reading about what the Murdochs are doing to the Washington Post.

Speaking of media diets, the author claims to be deep in the weeds of “Soho House for creators” and Polymarket. It’s the ultimate intellectual starter pack for people who think “networking” is just staring at a MacBook Pro in a room with exposed brick and $18 lattes. The assumption here is that we should all be fascinated by a “Soho House for creators,” which—let’s be honest—is just a fancy way of saying “a shared workspace for people whose primary output is LinkedIn thought leadership.” It’s an exclusive club for people who use the word “bandwidth” to describe their mental state rather than their internet connection.

Then we have the startling revelation that the author is watching *Jurassic Park* for the “50th time.” We get it, the T-Rex scene is iconic. But at what point does “Verge-iest” stop meaning “cutting edge” and start meaning “stuck in a 1993 feedback loop”? For a guide that claims to be your window into the “best stuff in the world,” relying on a thirty-year-old blockbuster as a primary personality trait feels about as fresh as a Zune in 2024.

And of course, no tech-adjacent newsletter would be complete without a new productivity app recommendation. This week it’s “Paso,” a task manager with a “timeline look.” Because what the world truly needs is a 4,000th way to visualize the tasks we aren’t doing because we’re too busy watching Olympic dressage or re-watching Jeff Goldblum explain chaos theory. There is a profound irony in using a “timeline-task-manager” to schedule “bailing on everything.” It’s a beautifully recursive loop of procrastination: you’re so productive at organizing your unproductivity that you almost forget you’ve done absolutely nothing.

The “Installer” assumes its audience wants to be “Verge-y”—a term that apparently translates to “distracted by shiny interfaces while ignoring the crumbling infrastructure of reality.” If you want the real guide to the Olympics, here it is: mute the commentary, ignore the “creator” hype, and for the love of God, don’t download another task manager. You don’t need a timeline to tell you that you’re just sitting on the couch.

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