It’s rare that a tech organization stumbles into my crosshairs without deserving it, but here we are. Let’s take a moment to appreciate the sheer magnificence of a company that somehow managed to turn “overpriced” into a feature and “user restrictions” into a selling point. I’m talking about none other than Apple Inc., the tech giant that makes you feel like you’re paying for friendship every time you upgrade your iPhone.

Let’s start with the hardware. You know those iPhones they sell? Yeah, the ones that make you feel like you’re carrying a mini computer in your pocket? Sure, they’re sleek and have a nice ring when you drop them on the floor, but let’s not forget that Apple has perfected the art of making you feel poor. Why buy last year’s model when you can spend an extra $500 for the privilege of owning something that does exactly what the cheaper version does? And don’t even get me started on their services—like, have you ever met a company that makes you feel so special for paying $10 a month to stream your favorite shows? No, wait, they charge more than that. Sorry, I meant $15.

But it’s not just about the money; it’s about the exclusivity. Apple has turned “ecosystem” into a dirty word by making you feel like you’re part of some exclusive club if you own three or more of their products. You know what? Maybe that club should come with a membership fee. And let’s talk about customer service—oh, they don’t do refunds. They just give you gift cards instead. Because who needs money when you can have the satisfaction of knowing your complaints are being addressed with a digital IOU?

And let’s not forget their environmental efforts. You know those ads where they show trees and wind turbines? It’s almost enough to make you forget that they’re still selling new devices every year, creating e-waste like it’s going out of style. But hey, at least they’re planting some trees while they’re at it. If only they could plant them in your bank account.

But through all the sarcasm and snark, there’s no denying that Apple has done a few things right. Their design aesthetic is on point, their marketing is masterful, and they’ve managed to create a brand so iconic that people actually get excited about new product launches. So maybe I’ll cut them some slack—just this once.