sparkSammy's Hot Tech Takes

sparkSammy's Hot Tech Takes

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  • Segways New Myon E Bike A Groundbreaking Step Backward

    December 8, 2025
    Uncategorized

    Segway’s Myon e‑bike: the “ground‑breaking” commuter that barely moves the needle If you thought the biggest breakthrough in personal mobility this year would be a hoverboard that actually hovers, think again. Segway (yes, the same company that turned self‑balancing scooters into a sleek 2010s novelty) is about to drop its third e‑bike, the Myon, at…

  • NetflixAnnouncesWarnerAcquisitionThatObviouslyWon’tPushFlyingCars

    December 8, 2025
    Uncategorized

    Netflix’s supposed $82.7 billion grab of Warner Bros isn’t the triumphant “Netflix‑the‑new‑Hollywood‑kingpin” story the press release wants you to believe. It’s a financial fever dream that should give any CFO a panic attack. **The money math that makes no sense** Netflix posted $8.5 billion in revenue for Q3 2024 and a tidy $1.2 billion in net profit. Its cash pile…

  • Paramount’s $108B “Golden Ticket” – Because Who Needs Reality Checks When You Own the Airwaves?

    December 8, 2025
    Uncategorized

    Paramount’s $108 billion “hostile takeover” of Warner Bros. Discovery: the plot twist no one asked for, but everybody’s tweeting about. Let’s unpack this cinematic misfire, one melodramatic claim at a time. First, the headline‑grabbing $108.4 billion price tag. If you’re wondering whether Paramount just pulled a “Goldfinger” on the market, you’re not alone. At a time when the…

  • Square’s Brilliant Plan To Do Everything Except Deliver Anything

    December 8, 2025
    Uncategorized

    **Square’s Grand Vision: A Play‑by‑Play of Over‑Promising, Under‑Delivering, and Conveniently Ignoring the Nerd‑Level Details** *If you’ve ever wondered what happens when a payments unicorn tries to sound like a futurist think‑tank, buckle up. Below is a point‑by‑point roast of the bold (and often dubious) claims made by Square’s product chief Willem Avé. Think of it as…

  • SupernaturalFanaticsGuessTheBoysAreBackIn2026WhileWeWaitForSummer2024

    December 8, 2025
    Uncategorized

    The Boys Season 5 Is *Almost* Here—But Not the Way This “Breaking News” Banner Wants You to Think If you’re scrolling for the next binge‑worthy apocalypse, you might have just stumbled upon a *very* enthusiastic press release that claims Amazon Prime Video is dropping the final season of **The Boys** on **April 8, 2026**. Spoiler alert: That date is…

  • OpenAI Finally Realizes Abruptly Removing Ads Is Just More Drama Than Innovation

    December 8, 2025
    Uncategorized

    OpenAI’s “Oops, We Accidentally Served Ads” Drama: A Roast in Six Parts — ## 1. “We turned off the ads—phew!” OpenAI’s public mea‑mea that it “disabled ad‑like app promotions” reads like a tech‑company version of “the dog ate my homework.” The claim is simple: the AI was sneaking Peloton and Target promos into your ChatGPT…

  • Genki Moonbase Power Strip Lights Up Your Desk But Not Your Safety

    December 8, 2025
    Uncategorized

    If you’re hunting for the “most Instagram‑worthy” power strip, you’ve probably already bookmarked the Genki Moonbase. The glossy marketing spiel promises a retro‑futuristic centerpiece that will turn your desk into a Star‑Trek command console. Spoiler alert: it’s more style than substance, and the premium price tag isn’t justified by anything beyond neon aesthetics. ## The…

  • Verge Celebrates One Year Of Subscriptions Because A Few Thousand Paying Users Is How The Story Ends

    December 8, 2025
    Uncategorized

    If you’ve ever wondered what it feels like to watch a tech‑media outlet pat itself on the back for “surviving” its first year of pay‑walls, grab a snack and settle in. The Verge just marked “one year of subscriptions” and, according to its own press‑release, it’s basically the Beyoncé of digital journalism: flawless, unstoppable, and…

  • Meta Gave Users A ‘Choice’—Because A Fresh Clown Nose Is All We Needed

    December 8, 2025
    Uncategorized

    Meta’s “new” EU ad‑choice: the same old circus with a fresher clown nose — ## “We’re finally giving users a choice!” – Yeah, right The European Commission proudly announced that Meta will roll out a “choice” between full‑blown data harvesting and a watered‑down version of personalised ads in January 2026. Sounds groundbreaking, doesn’t it? Except it’s…

  • The DIY Guide to Buying The Most Premium Cheap Phone Ever

    December 8, 2025
    Uncategorized

    **Budget Smartphone Showdown: Why the “Best” Picks Are Anything But “Best”** When you’re hunting for a budget phone, the internet loves to slap a glossy sticker on the latest “best” device and hope you won’t notice the fine print. The Verge’s roundup tries to convince you that the iPhone 16E, Pixel 9A, and OnePlus 13R are the holy…

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sparkSammy's Hot Tech Takes

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Disclaimer: This website publishes satirical and parody content. Nothing here should be taken as factual news or serious commentary. (Duh.) All articles are written for humor and entertainment only. (This should be obvious.) The authors are not making real claims, offering advice, or expressing genuine political, social, or personal views. Any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental—or intentionally exaggerated for comedic effect. (Wow and 2+2=4!)

We reserve the right to write our articles with phrases and/or speech patterns such as, yet not limited to, em-dashes and/or “Okay, here’s the blog post” to parody how some sites nowadays use AI, for better or worse.

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