Welcome to the era of the “innovative” $29 coin. In a recent display of tech-journalism-induced Stockholm Syndrome, we’re being told that the second-generation AirTag—a device whose primary function is to tell you that you are, in fact, incompetent—is actually superior to the iPad. Yes, you read that correctly. A piece of plastic containing a CR2032 battery and a dream is supposedly “more helpful” than a liquid retina, M4-powered workstation. If your life is so chaotic that a tracking beacon provides more utility than a computer, we don’t need a product review; we need an intervention.

Let’s dissect this “groundbreaking” upgrade, starting with the claim that a 1.5x range increase for ultra-wideband and Bluetooth is a life-changing event. Apple has essentially admitted that the first version was apparently just shy of being useful, and now, for the low price of another thirty bucks, you can find your keys from the kitchen instead of the hallway. Revolutionary. It’s the kind of incremental “progress” that only a company with a trillion-dollar market cap could sell with a straight face. You’re not getting “more range”; you’re just getting the range the product should have had in 2021.

Then there is the chime—now 50 percent louder and pitched higher for your auditory displeasure. Brilliant. Now, instead of a polite beep, your lost wallet will emit a piercing shriek that sounds like a robotic cricket having a mid-life crisis. It’s perfect for those moments when you’ve lost your remote in a quiet room and want to ensure the entire neighborhood knows exactly how disorganized you are. If you need a “Precision Finding” UI on your Apple Watch just to locate an object three feet away, the issue isn’t the hardware; it’s your spatial awareness.

Of course, the real tragedy presented is the “Midnight Purple” colorway. The article laments that the keyring is “barely purple,” drawing a somber parallel to the iPhone 14 Pro Max’s “Deep Purple” controversy. It is truly peak Silicon Valley to complain that your tracking device—an item specifically designed to be hidden or ignored until you lose your mind—isn’t the precisely calibrated shade of eggplant you were promised. If the hue of your keyring is your biggest “con,” you aren’t reviewing a tech product; you’re reviewing a fashion accessory for people who lose their shoes.

The fundamental assumption here is that “scatterbrains” need more tech to solve their problems. But let’s be real: the second-gen AirTag isn’t a “best friend.” It’s a digital enabler. It’s a $29 subscription to the idea that you never have to remember where you put anything ever again. To suggest this is “superior” to an iPad is like saying a spare tire is superior to a Ferrari because you have a habit of driving over nails. Sure, the AirTag is helpful, but let’s stop pretending that a louder speaker and a slightly better radio chip constitute a technological triumph. It’s a button that bleeps. Calm down.