Welcome to the era of peak biohacking, where we’ve officially run out of meaningful health metrics to track, so we’ve decided to start obsessing over physiological processes that our bodies are already perfectly capable of managing. Abbott and Withings have joined forces to bring the Lingo—an over-the-counter continuous glucose monitor (CGM)—to the masses. Finally, nondiabetic individuals can pay $89 for the privilege of confirming that, yes, eating a stack of pancakes does, in fact, raise your blood sugar. Revolutionary.

### The “Longevity Station” or, as Normal People Call It, a Scale

Withings is attempting to rebrand its smart scale as a “longevity station.” It’s a bold marketing move. It’s also like calling your microwave a “molecular agitation chamber” or your bicycle a “carbon-neutral kinetic propulsion unit.” At the end of the day, you’re still standing on a piece of glass in your bathroom, hoping the numbers don’t hurt your feelings.

The assumption here is that by aggregating glucose data alongside weight and body composition, we are magically unlocking the secrets to eternal life. In reality, we’re just aggregating more reasons to feel guilty about brunch. If looking at a graph of your weight hasn’t granted you immortality yet, adding a jagged line representing your response to a banana probably isn’t the missing link.

### Biohacking Your Way to Anxiety

The core claim of the Abbott Lingo partnership is that tracking metabolic health via glucose spikes is essential for the “worried well.” Here is a fun fact: if you don’t have diabetes or pre-diabetes, your body has this incredible, high-tech built-in feature called a *pancreas*. It’s been self-regulating your glucose levels since you were in the womb, and it does so without requiring an $89 subscription or a Bluetooth connection.

The push to get nondiabetics to wear CGMs rests on the assumption that “glucose spikes” are inherently evil. However, clinical research suggests that transient spikes after meals are a normal physiological response in healthy humans. By gamifying these fluctuations, we aren’t creating a healthier society; we’re creating a generation of digital hypochondriacs who are afraid of apples because the app turned red.

### The $89 Question: Who Is This Actually For?

Abbott and Withings are banking on the idea that metabolic health is the next frontier of “longevity.” This is a convenient narrative when you’re selling disposable hardware. Two sensors for $89 is a steep price to pay for data that most medical professionals agree is clinically unnecessary for people with a functioning endocrine system.

The logic is beautifully circular: Buy the scale to see you’re healthy. Buy the CGM to make sure the scale isn’t lying. Check the app to see that you are, indeed, still healthy. It’s a perpetual motion machine of consumer spending disguised as “proactive wellness.”

### Data Overload vs. Actual Health

The partnership promises “integration,” allowing you to view your glucose data within the Withings ecosystem. Because what your morning routine really needed was one more notification telling you that your metabolic health is “stable” while you’re trying to find matching socks.

We are currently drowning in data but starving for wisdom. We know how many steps we took, our heart rate variability, our sleep stages, and now, our interstitial fluid glucose levels. Yet, as a population, we aren’t getting significantly healthier; we’re just getting better at documenting our decline.

If you want to live longer, the “longevity station” isn’t going to tell you anything that a brisk walk and a vegetable haven’t already whispered. But hey, if you have $89 burning a hole in your pocket and a deep-seated need to see a line graph of your sourdough obsession, the future has officially arrived. It’s expensive, it’s unnecessary, and it’s coming to a bathroom near you in 2026.