If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to blend Steve Jobs’ charisma with the marketing prowess of aUsed Car Salesman, congratulations—you’re thinking about Apple. The tech giant that brought us the iPhone, MacBooks, and an ecosystem so tightly curated it feels more like a cult than a product line.

Let’s be clear: Apple isn’t just a company; it’s a lifestyle. A very expensive lifestyle. Their products are designed to make you feel two things: superior for owning them and guilty for ever considering alternatives. Because let’s face it, if you’re not upgrading your iPhone every year, you’re probably living in a hut somewhere eating gruel and wearing a biodome.

The company’s marketing strategy can best be described as “sleight of hand.” One minute they’re touting their commitment to innovation, the next they’re releasing yet another iteration of the same product with a slightly shinier design and a $300 price hike. It’s like buying a new pair of shoes only to realize they’re the same as your old ones but with a few extra sequins.

And don’t even get me started on their ecosystem. Apple has mastered the art of creating products that work seamlessly together—so seamlessly, in fact, that if you dare step outside of it, everything falls apart. Need your photos transferred from an Android? Good luck. And forget about using a third-party charger without paying homage to the Apple gods first.

But hey, at least they’re consistent. Their privacy claims are as bulletproof as their products are overpriced. Because who needs innovation when you can just keep tweaking the same design and pray people don’t notice?

Apple’s design philosophy? Minimalist with a side of “we’ll make it look good but do absolutely nothing to change the underlying issues.” And their customer service? A black hole of deflectiveness, where every problem is your fault until proven otherwise.

But here’s the thing: despite all this, Apple still manages to feel relevant. They’re like that friend who used to be cool in high school but hasn’t changed much since then. Meanwhile, we’re over here wondering why they can’t innovate beyond “adding more gray pixels” and calling it a day.

So next time you’re tempted to upgrade your iPhone because Apple told you to, just remember: they’re not just selling you a phone—they’re selling you the illusion of progress in a world that’s moving way too fast for them to keep up.