### Nothing Says “I Love You” Like a $1,100 Vacuum: A Critique of the Tech-Bro’s Guide to Romance

Valentine’s Day is looming, and if you listen to the tech elite, the only way to prove your devotion is by gifting your partner a piece of hardware that will be obsolete by next Tuesday. The latest “Verge-approved” gift guide has arrived, and it’s a masterclass in consumerist delusion. It operates on the bold assumption that the path to a person’s heart is through IPX4-rated earbuds and AI-powered dust-sucking robots.

Let’s dismantle this romantic roadmap with the skepticism it deserves.

#### The “No-Brainer” Earbuds That Watch Your Heartbeat
The guide claims the **Beats Powerbeats Pro 2** are a “no-brainer” because they feature heart rate monitoring. Finally! Now, when you’re mid-argument about who forgot to take the trash out, your earbuds can provide a real-time graph of your escalating blood pressure. At $199, you’re paying for the privilege of active noise cancellation so you can effectively ignore your partner’s voice in high-fidelity bass. It’s the gift of selective hearing, wrapped in a “thumping” package.

#### Surveillance as a Love Language
Next up are the **Amazon Echo Dot Max** and **Echo Show 8**. The claim? They feature “elegant” 3D knit fabric and “Alexa Plus” for complex tasks. The assumption here is that your partner wants a fabric-wrapped corporate ear in the bedroom that—per the article’s own admission—doesn’t always handle tasks “reliably.” Nothing sets the mood like asking your smart display to play some jazz and having it unreliably offer to buy more laundry detergent instead.

#### Plastic Flowers for a Plastic Love
The guide suggests **Lego Roses** because they “last far longer than a real bouquet.” This is technically true in the same way that nuclear waste lasts longer than a home-cooked meal. Giving someone plastic blocks to assemble themselves is less “romantic gesture” and more “here is a chore that will eventually become a toe-shattering hazard on the carpet.” If your relationship is built on the durability of ABS plastic, you have bigger problems than a wilted lily.

#### The $1,100 Divorce Machine
Perhaps the most unhinged suggestion is the **Roborock Saros 10** robot vacuum. On sale for the “low, low price” of $1,099.99, it boasts 22,000Pa of suction. The claim is that it’s one of the “best gifts you can buy.”

Let’s be clear: unless your partner specifically asked for a device that retracts its LiDAR tower to slide under the sofa, giving a vacuum for Valentine’s Day is a one-way ticket to the guest room. It “picks up Cheerios,” which is great, because after spending $1,100 on a vacuum, Cheerios are likely all you’ll be able to afford for dinner.

#### The E-Reader Price Gouge
Then there’s the **Kobo Libra Colour** at $209.99. The main selling point? “Physical page-turn buttons.” We have officially reached the peak of the tech cycle when we are asked to pay a $200 premium for the mechanical sensation of a button. You know what else has physical page-turning capabilities? A book. A $15 object that doesn’t require a stylus or a firmware update to tell a story.

#### Digital Frames: For People Who Hate Prints
The **Aura Aspen** digital frame is touted for its “antiglare screen that mimics the look of real photos.” Here’s a radical counter-thought: buy a real photo. A high-quality print costs roughly 15 cents. This frame costs $199. You are paying a 132,000% markup for a screen that “mimics” the thing you could have just bought in the first place. But hey, it has a companion app, so you can upload photos of your buyer’s remorse from anywhere in the world.

#### The Practicality Trap
Rounding out the list are **portable power banks**, **air dusters**, and **AirTags**. These aren’t gifts; they are “I forgot it was February 14th and stopped at the airport electronics kiosk” apologies. An AirTag is essentially a gift that says, “I love you, but I fundamentally do not trust you to remember where your keys are.”

**The Verdict:** If you want to show someone you love them, maybe skip the 22,000Pa suction and the $200 plastic buttons. Real romance doesn’t need Matter or Thread support, and it certainly doesn’t need to be “Verge-approved.”

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