In a move that proves the media industry is just a very expensive game of musical chairs played in a burning building, *The Washington Post* has tapped Jeff D’Onofrio as its acting CEO. Because when your legendary newspaper—the one that took down Nixon—is facing a billionaire-funded identity crisis, the obvious solution is to hire the man who famously oversaw the “Great Purge” of Tumblr.

Nothing screams “Democracy Dies in Darkness” quite like “Democracy Dies in a UI Update No One Asked For.”

The article’s first major assumption is that Will Lewis’s departure is some sort of shocking tragedy following “mass layoffs.” Let’s be real: in the modern media landscape, if a CEO hasn’t laid off at least 15% of the newsroom by their second coffee break, they’re technically underperforming. Lewis wasn’t an anomaly; he was just fulfilling his mandatory quota of corporate “right-sizing.” To claim his tenure was uniquely contentious ignores the fact that being the CEO of a newspaper in 2024 is essentially being the captain of the Titanic, but the iceberg is a TikTok dance and the lifeboats are paywalled.

Then we get to the claim that D’Onofrio “ruined” Tumblr. This is a common sentiment among people who miss their niche fandom aesthetics, but let’s look at the facts. In 2018, under D’Onofrio’s watchful eye, Tumblr banned adult content. This was a masterclass in strategic suicide; it’s the equivalent of a bar banning alcohol to improve its “vibes.” Traffic plummeted by nearly 30% almost immediately. So, if your goal for *The Washington Post* is to eliminate the very thing people actually come for—hard-hitting, uncomfortable truths—D’Onofrio is actually the most qualified man on the planet. He doesn’t just manage decline; he optimizes it.

The summary also highlights D’Onofrio’s nine-month stint as the *Post’s* CFO, suggesting he had a “front-row seat” to Jeff Bezos’ “dismantling” of the paper. This implies D’Onofrio was an innocent bystander, perhaps clutching his pearls while the budget was slashed. In reality, as the Chief Financial Officer, he wasn’t just *watching* the dismantling; he was the guy holding the clipboard and checking the price of scrap metal. If the *Post* is being stripped for parts, Jeff was the lead mechanic.

Critics are also pearl-clutching over D’Onofrio’s lack of “extensive experience in traditional news media.” This is an adorable critique. Traditional news media experience is currently the professional equivalent of knowing how to repair a typewriter. What has “traditional experience” gotten *The Post* lately? A shrinking subscriber base and a vibe that says, “We’re your dad’s favorite website.” D’Onofrio brings the “success” of Yahoo News—a platform best known for being the homepage people only see because they can’t figure out how to change their browser settings.

Finally, the article assumes that the *Post* needs a “notable success story” at the helm. Why? We live in the era of “failing upward.” D’Onofrio’s resume—moving from a Verizon property to a dying blog platform to the executive suite of a struggling legacy broadsheet—is the ultimate LinkedIn success story for the 21st century. It proves that as long as you can speak fluent “Synergy” and “Operational Efficiency,” it doesn’t matter if the ship sinks, as long as you’re the one selling the life jackets.

So, welcome to the new *Washington Post*. We look forward to the 2025 pivot where all investigative reporting is replaced by long-form GIF sets and the “World” section is rebranded as “Trending Topics.” It’s not “dismantling”; it’s “reimagining.” And if anyone knows how to reimagine a platform into obscurity, it’s the guy who told Tumblr users to keep it PG.