Welcome to the “Big Spring Sale,” or as it’s known in the industry, the “Please Help Us Clear Our Warehouse of Ancient Tech” event. Today’s guest of honor is the Beats Powerbeats Fit, currently “discounted” to $169.99. Because nothing says “cutting-edge audio” like paying nearly $170 for technology that debuted when people were still unironically doing the “Sea Shanty” TikTok trend.

The article opens with a bold claim: the AirPods Pro 3 are a fantastic set of earbuds. This is an incredible insight, mostly because the AirPods Pro 3 do not exist. While the rest of the world is waiting for Apple to actually announce them, this summary is apparently living in a blissful future where they’re already on sale for $199. If you’re looking for tech advice from someone who can’t distinguish between current hardware and hallucinations, you’ve come to the right place.

The “deal” here is a $30 discount. Let’s be real: $169.96 for the Powerbeats Fit isn’t a bargain; it’s a ransom for a pair of earbuds powered by the Apple H1 chip. For those not fluent in Apple silicon, the H1 chip was released in 2019. Buying an H1-powered device in 2024 is like buying a brand-new car that still comes with a cassette deck because it’s “classic.” You’re missing out on the H2 chip’s superior noise cancellation and adaptive audio just so you can have a little silicone wing that will eventually make your ear feel like it’s being pinched by a very small, very persistent crab.

Speaking of that “snug fit,” the article treats the silicone fin as a revolutionary structural engineering feat. In reality, “snug” is often marketing-speak for “ear fatigue.” While these are designed to stay in during a workout, they also ensure that by the time you finish your second set of burpees, you’ll be ready to rip your own ears off just to stop the pressure. It’s a great way to distract yourself from the pain in your quads, I suppose.

The most hilarious part of this “gym-friendly” pitch is the defense of the charging case. We’re told the case is “smaller than the original,” which is like saying a minivan is smaller than a school bus. It’s still a massive plastic brick that creates an aggressive, unidentifiable bulge in any pair of gym shorts. And for $170, it still doesn’t support wireless charging. In a world where $30 knock-offs from a gas station charge wirelessly, Beats is out here asking you to hunt for a USB-C cable like it’s 2015.

The article suggests that these disadvantages “won’t bother everyone.” True. They won’t bother people who enjoy overpaying for outdated specs, people who hate the convenience of MagSafe, and people who haven’t noticed that the AirPods Pro 2 (the ones that actually exist) frequently go on sale for the exact same price while offering vastly superior sound and features.

If you’re looking to drop $170 on a “Spring Sale,” maybe find something that wasn’t state-of-the-art three years ago. Or, by all means, buy the Powerbeats Fit. They come in nice colors, which is definitely the most important feature when you’re trying to ignore the fact that your “new” earbuds are essentially vintage hardware with a facelift.

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